I'm an orphan and a survivor of sexual violence my name is Natasha Noel and this is my story. At the age of three and a half, the first memory I have of my mother is her cooking herself. I also have very inappropriate humor. She burned herself in front of me and I can still remember that day like as if it was yesterday I still remember her screaming still remember the burning flesh I remember everything my dad had schizophrenia so he couldn't take care of me because someone needed to take care of him so when you're a child your childhood should be rooted in love compassion and understanding mine was rooted in insecurities they'refloating in guilt I stayed with my godparents that's my dad's oldest sister and her family and they tried to love me in the way they knew best how to but it was still not enough for me I still felt the void inside of me kept growing and I felt pain and I just was never happy but also I learned how to mask because I that is the way I learned how to cope so I pretended I pretended I was fine I pretended everything was okay at the age of seven. I was raped by my domestic hell and I don't even remember what happened all I remember was one moment we were playing and at the moment. I was washing the blood of my vagina it was just like a lucid dream for me sex and rape. I couldn't even spell at that time because I have dyslexia right now. I cannot even spell dyslexia without Auto help correcting me but at that time his mother told me that I should run away and get married to him because he loves me so much. I was just seven and a half for me I didn't understand what was happening the guilt kept growing he actually told me that I should run away and getmarried to him because no one else will ever love you those words are stillengraved in my soul like a tattoo which is so difficult to heal but I'm healing the guilt just kept growing I felt like I was the reason why everything was happening to me all the bad and it was just getting worse I was sexually assaulted from the age of 8 to 14 with my cousin brothers and sisters and I had enough I didn't know what to do and I kept believing I deserved whatever washappening to me at the age of 10 I went into therapy because there my parentsrealize something is off with her she has so much anger issues yes so much ofeverything and she's just not saying what she feels the shape they put meinto therapy this was one of the best things that happened to me because at this time my psychiatrist realized that I was not talking so she put this paperin front of me and she told me you can do whatever you feel like I took up the pencil and I wrote and I took up the cray ons and I colored and I just realized that for me art was my expression and that is where I found a little way to go Thanks victimization was my baby it was something that I wasso good at I would cut myself I would think that I am a burden that nothing inlife can ever get better because come on it's just getting worse at the age of 16 because of my psychiatrist she told me to go in for dancing so I I used todance here and there but at the age of 16. I was a professional dancer and dancewas something where I found myself dance was something which allowed me to be meI did not feel like anyone was judging me and I could express how I felt and Iwas just the happiest at this point of time in myself customization period I hated my body I hated I realized that my body is the reason why things are happening why the world is the way it is because we have a vagina and men can enter as they please without our permission at 17 was when I got into my first serious relationship my first love of my life and it was great at 19 my mother told methat I need focus on my studies and I'm not studying enough and I told her thatno I don't want to I want to dance this is what I want to do I want to travelthe world and I'm living my life for the first time I don't want to do anythingelse that same year I failed the year and that same hereI got a knee injury my meniscus muscle tore my corneal muscle to record liquidin my knees and my front knee cap had tears all on one knee the doctor told methat I can either dance or I can walk so the thing that I loved the most and I was actually happy for the first time in my life was taken away from me again I went into the set of depression. where I didn't know what to do with my life but I always believed because I was so good at pretending everything was okay I put on this mask and I pretended everything was fine I moved on I finished my graduation I graduated in English literature and at this period of time for a year and a half I didn't do any physical activity because I was not allowed to but because I started working since I was 17. I needed to do something so I was a professional photographer I used to take pictures of dancers because that is war as close to as what home would feel like but I was still unhappy at the age of 21 is where the love of my life broke up with me and I was devastated we were together for five years and it broke me completely because the one thing I trusted again broke I took I went and I took up food and food became my love food became the source of inspiration in my life and I was like this is what I'm living for I kept eating and eating and eating outeat and puking eat some more just to try and fill that void inside of me just to try and feel some things all right I realized what I was doing was just going from one numbing device to the other from the age of 15 to about 20. I would smoke and drink like a crazy person. I would only I would do that because I had no other means or no I just did not want to feel anything but at 20 Istopped but then at 21 I started eating food like as if it was my best friend this is what depression looks like this is what you feel when you feel nothingis what depression feels like I can't account stand and explain to you what isright and what is wrong I can't but for me I knew that a society the societythat I'm living in would never be able to handle a sad person so I wouldpretend to be happy for the longest time I knew I believed that what I had was adisease because come on you cannot get up in the morning you cannot look atyourself in the mirror because you find yourself disgustingyou cannot go down for a walk you cannot do anything you find it difficult to goand brush your teeth you find it difficult to trust when you find itdifficult to do anything so there must be something wrong with you but littledo people comprehend the depression is not a choice no one chooses to feel soalone no one chooses to feel so insecure no one chooses not to allow someone inno one chooses not to feel loved no one chooses thatbut then I realized that I can come out of it if I want to I caught up one dayand I was sick and tired of my life I was sick and tired of just believingthat I was a burden I was sick and tired of thinking I was the cursed I was sickand tired of cutting myself I was sick and tired of just feeling so numb that Igot up and I said I need to make changes in my life I can either constantly livein this or I as a human being can choose to try and make myself better because let me tell you something no one cares about you or your mental health only youcan do that this is me today I'm 25 years old I run to the face of my problems now I don't run away from it I am dyslexic and I write I have askedthem oh and I run I'm a social-media influencer I talk about things that noone wants to listen to and I still do it I do it because this I started becoming the voice of people who would be so afraid to talk because for most of mylife my entire life I was afraid to talk I've come in numerous magazines, newspaper, articles. I have done a lot of interviews and the three and a half yearold me would never believe that I am here today would never believe that whoawhat is wrong with this girl but never I never thought I would but I am here this is me today I am 25 i am stillinsecure I still have depression and sometimes Istill need to take medications for my insomnia I still do have anxiety but youknow what's different I am genuinely loving myself I am genuinely accepting myself for where I am and who I am all those monsters and demons that I thoughtwere evil I'm going and hugging it and being like you're gonna be my friendsfrom now on it's okay it took me a long while because I used to think that self love needs to be shoved down your throat and I used to believe that that is love because that's what that's the onlything I experienced till I realized that I need to be gentle with myself and itis very very very very hard because most days I'm just stuck I'm wondering whatis happening but then I realized that there is the difference between feelinggood about yourself and self-love. I can do a workout and I can really great about myself but if I go and I have cake or pizza right after that I'm gonna feel guilty and then I'm going to start the negative thoughts are gonna come into my head thinking oh you why you're doing what you're doing and you're so useless again you are so worthless you cannot do anything in life and you try to do something when you can but those are the moments now. I realize that I need to bemore cleaner to myself I need to be more gentle with myself that is self-lovethat for me took the longest time to realize that I need to give myself timeto grow because self love and self-acceptance is a process if my brainfor twenty two and a half years has been wired to think that I cannot dosomething or to think that I'm useless to think that I'm worthless it's goingto take time for me to rewire those things to me for me to untwist and dothose things and believe in myself so this is me here right now it took me along while but I realized that it from there is nothing that can grow from a space of hate that the only way I can grow is if grow and lovemyself is if I forgive myself so I'm doing that today one breath at a timeand I am not blaming my past I am NOT being a victim to my past because I knownow that you I write my story I can hear be the writer I can either be thecreator I can be the artist I can be the musician whoever I want to be to mystory and I will not blame myself thank you if you feel my story resonated with youplease feel free to write your story .
thank you.
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